Two Pills Twice a Day

I'm beginning a new regimen for my cancer treatment. After almost 9 months of chemo there are several reasons for the change. While visiting with the doc he brought out the following points.

First, what I was on is not working quite as well. The cancer hot spots that I have, have been more painful for the last 3 weeks. This is a pretty good indicator that the cancer is growing. To confirm this I had a bone scan this week and it indicates that my spots are indeed growing.

Secondly, I have just about reached the lifetime limit for this current chemo. This chemo is hard on the heart. I have had an ultrasound of my heart and it is still in good working order. This was encouraging because it's hard to know which of the side effects each individual will experience.

Thirdly, it's almost holiday time. I had spent quite a bit of time pouring over my calendar trying to determine how much time off I would ask for. Chemo makes me so tired that I don't have the strength to do anything extra and a special Christmas is all about extras. This may seem like something that shouldn't be a part of considering cancer treatment. But metastatic disease is very different from traditional treatment.

Metastatic disease is a long term fight, constantly needing to weigh treatment verse quality of life. I still need to be a wife, Mom, daughter, and church member. When the cancer treatments don't allow me any of those things than it doesn't really seem worthwhile.

At the end of the visit the doc suggested we try a hormone treatment instead of chemotherapy. My cancer is estrogen sensitive so I will be taking medication that will suppress my estrogen. So he wrote a prescription and I picked it up. I opened the bottle this morning to start the medication and poured out two pills. Two pills, twice a day! How can this possibly fight cancer? It doesn't seem enough. I have been doing such harsh treatment for so long.

I am excited and cautious about the change. Excited about the prospect of time off. Of feeling good and doing normal things like sewing, practicing piano, and cooking. Cautious because if this doesn't work the cancer will continue to grow and I will continue to experience pain and will have to go back to a chemotherapy, perhaps one with harsher side effects.

Months to Moments

As I lay in bed my thoughts are running my memories of moments in the last 30 days are all a jumble. My friend with the 6 months to live passed away this morning. She went from the very real hope of going home to her house, to in two weeks time, going home to her Savior. I was unprepared last week when the family told us she was going down so fast. I could not look at her without seeing my own struggling face.

I find myself crying out to the Lord "Just come and get us Father. Please the burden it too hard to carry any more. Just take us all home." And then I look into the face of the little boy we bring to church and the family I am trying to reach out to and realize if we are gone who do they have. This does not make my struggle easy. My desire to be done is so great sometimes. So I ask the Lord to direct my path. To guide me to his perfect will, not my own will, but His. Each day I must remind myself not my will but thine.

I have loved Proverbs 3:1-6 for some time but I'm starting to fall in love with the whole chapter and wanted to include it here.

Proverbs 3

¹My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:

²For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.

³Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:

⁴So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.

⁵Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

⁶In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

⁷Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

⁸It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

⁹Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:

¹⁰So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

¹¹My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:

¹²For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

¹³Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

¹⁴For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.

¹⁵She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.

¹⁶Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour.

¹⁷Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.

¹⁸She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.

¹⁹The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens.

²⁰By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew.

²¹My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion:

²²So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck.

²³Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble.

²⁴When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

²⁵Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.

²⁶For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

²⁷Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.

²⁸Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee.

²⁹Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee.

³⁰Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.

³¹Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways.

³²For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous.

³³The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just.

³⁴Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly.

³⁵The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.