Well apparently two little pills twice a day is not enough to combat cancer. My cancer marker numbers have exploded and managed to double in 4 weeks. So we are back to chemo.
I am so overwhelmed by the idea of going back to chemo. It has been so much fun to get up in the morning with a task set before me and actually get it done. Now I will be back to just thankful I can get everyone fed and clean up afterwards. To be quite frank, I am aching inside. I really don't want to do this again.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
One more into the fold!
Last week my friend Chris, who is the director of our TNT girls, pulled me out of the Sparks group to talk to me. I, at first, thought something was wrong with Lauren. But then Chris held up a decision card. The little girl we have brought to AWANA since Kindergarten, she is a fifth grader now, asked the Lord to be her Savior. I was so excited. Personally, it was the encouragement I needed to keep pressing forward. It was also exciting for Lauren to see a friend come to know the Lord.
We have brought several kids to AWANA over the years. A few have been saved but it is always a long process. A young man, who is a friend of Harry's, started coming on Wednesday nights with us about 5 years ago. He now rides the bus but he also got saved last year.
However, the little guy Levi invited 2 years ago and has come to Sunday School and AWANA with us has moved. My heart ached as I dropped him off for the last time last week. His Mom didn't even come to the door to say good-bye. I so wanted to encourage her to find an AWANA group in her new location. But I will have to entrust his little heart to the Lord and know that someone will find him and continue the work we have already done.
Levi has a new friend at school. His name is Dylan and Levi would like to invite him to AWANA. Levi went over to play at the young man's house last week, so maybe this week would be a good week to invite him. His family is definitely one we could reach out to. I am so excited about a new family to reach. One advantage of my kids going to school is the opportunity we have to meet others in the community that I just didn't seem to have when we homeschooled.
My kids are always excited about bringing their friends. Harry calls several of his friends each week to ask if they want to go to youth group. They seem to go in sperts of several weeks wanting to come and then for awhile not. Satan just seems to continually get in there and keep them from hearing the word.
Just one more thing. I love my van. Thank you Lord for providing it. It is the only way I would be able to bring so many kids to church. Many weeks I have pulled up to the front of the church and just had kids pour out of my van much like a clown car at a circus. Thank you Lord for your provision.
We have brought several kids to AWANA over the years. A few have been saved but it is always a long process. A young man, who is a friend of Harry's, started coming on Wednesday nights with us about 5 years ago. He now rides the bus but he also got saved last year.
However, the little guy Levi invited 2 years ago and has come to Sunday School and AWANA with us has moved. My heart ached as I dropped him off for the last time last week. His Mom didn't even come to the door to say good-bye. I so wanted to encourage her to find an AWANA group in her new location. But I will have to entrust his little heart to the Lord and know that someone will find him and continue the work we have already done.
Levi has a new friend at school. His name is Dylan and Levi would like to invite him to AWANA. Levi went over to play at the young man's house last week, so maybe this week would be a good week to invite him. His family is definitely one we could reach out to. I am so excited about a new family to reach. One advantage of my kids going to school is the opportunity we have to meet others in the community that I just didn't seem to have when we homeschooled.
My kids are always excited about bringing their friends. Harry calls several of his friends each week to ask if they want to go to youth group. They seem to go in sperts of several weeks wanting to come and then for awhile not. Satan just seems to continually get in there and keep them from hearing the word.
Just one more thing. I love my van. Thank you Lord for providing it. It is the only way I would be able to bring so many kids to church. Many weeks I have pulled up to the front of the church and just had kids pour out of my van much like a clown car at a circus. Thank you Lord for your provision.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Two Pills Twice a Day
I'm beginning a new regimen for my cancer treatment. After almost 9 months of chemo there are several reasons for the change. While visiting with the doc he brought out the following points.
First, what I was on is not working quite as well. The cancer hot spots that I have, have been more painful for the last 3 weeks. This is a pretty good indicator that the cancer is growing. To confirm this I had a bone scan this week and it indicates that my spots are indeed growing.
Secondly, I have just about reached the lifetime limit for this current chemo. This chemo is hard on the heart. I have had an ultrasound of my heart and it is still in good working order. This was encouraging because it's hard to know which of the side effects each individual will experience.
Thirdly, it's almost holiday time. I had spent quite a bit of time pouring over my calendar trying to determine how much time off I would ask for. Chemo makes me so tired that I don't have the strength to do anything extra and a special Christmas is all about extras. This may seem like something that shouldn't be a part of considering cancer treatment. But metastatic disease is very different from traditional treatment.
Metastatic disease is a long term fight, constantly needing to weigh treatment verse quality of life. I still need to be a wife, Mom, daughter, and church member. When the cancer treatments don't allow me any of those things than it doesn't really seem worthwhile.
At the end of the visit the doc suggested we try a hormone treatment instead of chemotherapy. My cancer is estrogen sensitive so I will be taking medication that will suppress my estrogen. So he wrote a prescription and I picked it up. I opened the bottle this morning to start the medication and poured out two pills. Two pills, twice a day! How can this possibly fight cancer? It doesn't seem enough. I have been doing such harsh treatment for so long.
I am excited and cautious about the change. Excited about the prospect of time off. Of feeling good and doing normal things like sewing, practicing piano, and cooking. Cautious because if this doesn't work the cancer will continue to grow and I will continue to experience pain and will have to go back to a chemotherapy, perhaps one with harsher side effects.
First, what I was on is not working quite as well. The cancer hot spots that I have, have been more painful for the last 3 weeks. This is a pretty good indicator that the cancer is growing. To confirm this I had a bone scan this week and it indicates that my spots are indeed growing.
Secondly, I have just about reached the lifetime limit for this current chemo. This chemo is hard on the heart. I have had an ultrasound of my heart and it is still in good working order. This was encouraging because it's hard to know which of the side effects each individual will experience.
Thirdly, it's almost holiday time. I had spent quite a bit of time pouring over my calendar trying to determine how much time off I would ask for. Chemo makes me so tired that I don't have the strength to do anything extra and a special Christmas is all about extras. This may seem like something that shouldn't be a part of considering cancer treatment. But metastatic disease is very different from traditional treatment.
Metastatic disease is a long term fight, constantly needing to weigh treatment verse quality of life. I still need to be a wife, Mom, daughter, and church member. When the cancer treatments don't allow me any of those things than it doesn't really seem worthwhile.
At the end of the visit the doc suggested we try a hormone treatment instead of chemotherapy. My cancer is estrogen sensitive so I will be taking medication that will suppress my estrogen. So he wrote a prescription and I picked it up. I opened the bottle this morning to start the medication and poured out two pills. Two pills, twice a day! How can this possibly fight cancer? It doesn't seem enough. I have been doing such harsh treatment for so long.
I am excited and cautious about the change. Excited about the prospect of time off. Of feeling good and doing normal things like sewing, practicing piano, and cooking. Cautious because if this doesn't work the cancer will continue to grow and I will continue to experience pain and will have to go back to a chemotherapy, perhaps one with harsher side effects.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Months to Moments
As I lay in bed my thoughts are running my memories of moments in the last 30 days are all a jumble. My friend with the 6 months to live passed away this morning. She went from the very real hope of going home to her house, to in two weeks time, going home to her Savior. I was unprepared last week when the family told us she was going down so fast. I could not look at her without seeing my own struggling face.
I find myself crying out to the Lord "Just come and get us Father. Please the burden it too hard to carry any more. Just take us all home." And then I look into the face of the little boy we bring to church and the family I am trying to reach out to and realize if we are gone who do they have. This does not make my struggle easy. My desire to be done is so great sometimes. So I ask the Lord to direct my path. To guide me to his perfect will, not my own will, but His. Each day I must remind myself not my will but thine.
I have loved Proverbs 3:1-6 for some time but I'm starting to fall in love with the whole chapter and wanted to include it here.
I find myself crying out to the Lord "Just come and get us Father. Please the burden it too hard to carry any more. Just take us all home." And then I look into the face of the little boy we bring to church and the family I am trying to reach out to and realize if we are gone who do they have. This does not make my struggle easy. My desire to be done is so great sometimes. So I ask the Lord to direct my path. To guide me to his perfect will, not my own will, but His. Each day I must remind myself not my will but thine.
I have loved Proverbs 3:1-6 for some time but I'm starting to fall in love with the whole chapter and wanted to include it here.
Proverbs 3
1My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:
2For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.
3Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
4So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
7Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
8It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.
9Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:
10So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.
11My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:
12For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
13Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.
14For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.
15She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.
16Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour.
17Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.
18She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.
19The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens.
20By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew.
21My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion:
22So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck.
23Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble.
24When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.
25Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.
26For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.
27Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.
28Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee.
29Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee.
30Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.
31Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways.
32For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous.
33The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just.
34Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly.
35The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Months
We measure many things in months: 12 months in a year, 9 months of pregnancy, 3 months of summer. Recently though a friend of mine who is also battling cancer was given 6 months to live. I just found out last night and my heart is aching. How do you spend your time when you have so little left? What becomes the most important things, especially when you are in so much pain you need constant pain medications which in turn make you incoherent? What do you want to hear from friends? from family? Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom."
Friday, September 18, 2009
Another Late Night
It's 12:17 am. I know in some households this is a regular bedtime. But for my adult pre-sick life bedtime was ten and now it's 8:30. Not that lights are out at 8:30 but I am in bed relaxing.
However, the 8:30 window slipped right by me tonight as I was helping Harry with homework. Then I wanted to visit with Luke a little as we are making some discipline changes with our kids and our spending. And lost the window of going to bed when tired, not even a sleeping pill can help you after a second wind and a major headache.
So on to the new disciplines, I have read off and on Dave Ramsey's books and had just begun to try the snowball when I was initially diagnosed with the cancer so our finances went spiraling out of control again as our primary bookkeeper, me, could have cared less about retiring debt as I lay unwilling to move after back surgery, unwilling to think during radiation, and unable to process information during chemo (chemo messes with the thought processes of your brain, something they don't tell you pre-chemo.) So I'm giving it another go. This weekend it is a balanced budget (we are going to consolidate some date, Dave don't hate me) but it makes the paying of the bills in a limited window (when I'm healthy and feeling like my brain is working well enough to add and subtract) so much easier if I only have to worry about one check. Our goal is to live on Luke's regular pay, and put his overtime and my piano lessons and babysitting to debit retirement as much as we can. As you can see I'm still crunching the numbers.
Our other discipline is the kids and how much electronic time they receive each day. Luke wants me to make coupons for the kids that represent their electronic time. I hope this works we really need to get into a regular routine of life. I would just like them to get their stuff done like chores, homework, rooms, instruments, and family time. Is that too much to ask? We really need a day of rain to just get my kids inside and clean their rooms. :P
Had chemo today and a flu shot. It all seemed to go well. I saw my doctor's partner and he had the same opinion about my numbers and results that I seem to be stable. My numbers are still high, too high to quit chemo, but stable. This chemo is a nasty one I have heard but I am taking it at a very low dose each week and the only side effect that I can't really do anything about is the fatigue. No amount of rest makes up for the fatigue of chemo. There is one other but it is short lived each week. They have found that if you suck on ice while receiving the chemo you tend not to get so many mouth sores. It's hard for me as I have very cold sensitive teeth. but it must be true as I have only had one mouth sore and it was very much like a canker sore. I do have to be careful about hot or spicy foods the first two days after chemo, which is a trick because if I'm going to crave Mexican it's on chemo day. :{
Monday, August 10, 2009
The glories of a clean and organized house
First let me state that I do not have a clean and organized house but rather am striving to have one. I have exactly 2 days left of this reprieve from chemo to take back some of the darkest regions of my home. i.e. the linen closet, hand-me-down school clothes sorted out for the new year, my boys dressers, and my daughter's closet. All areas I typically try to avoid. Actually, the children's room is only entered upon them creating a path by which I can safely travel through bearing gifts of clean clothes.
At the end of last week a dear, dear, dear, (can you have too many dears) friend came and helped me organize my craft room. It was cleaned and organized 8 months ago and then slowly became things are brought to me to deal with and I'm too tired to think about this although it is my responsibility so please just take it to the craft room happens. Well now the room is over flowing with stuff. So Amy and I went though the stuff, mostly just reorganizing some of the storage and parting with a few things. There is so much more to part with but now that the room is clean and the dust has been wiped from the workstations I can go back and organize and truly purge. Thank you Amy and again I say Thanks.
Today, we worked on kids rooms. Levi got a new way to store his toys. We moved a different dresser into his room for his clothes and the old dresser has become the place for toys to go. As a result he has to put the toys away and the drawer has to close in order for it to be called clean. Harry's room is a little less dangerous. Mostly he needs a place to mount his guitars on the wall. Lauren's room needs the most work and it has gotten the most out of hand and it will change the most when we complete the loft beds. But it is forever a work in progress. If it could all be accomplished by the 15th of September I would be so delighted. (Not the painting in Lauren's room that she wants, but the rest.)
At the end of last week a dear, dear, dear, (can you have too many dears) friend came and helped me organize my craft room. It was cleaned and organized 8 months ago and then slowly became things are brought to me to deal with and I'm too tired to think about this although it is my responsibility so please just take it to the craft room happens. Well now the room is over flowing with stuff. So Amy and I went though the stuff, mostly just reorganizing some of the storage and parting with a few things. There is so much more to part with but now that the room is clean and the dust has been wiped from the workstations I can go back and organize and truly purge. Thank you Amy and again I say Thanks.
Today, we worked on kids rooms. Levi got a new way to store his toys. We moved a different dresser into his room for his clothes and the old dresser has become the place for toys to go. As a result he has to put the toys away and the drawer has to close in order for it to be called clean. Harry's room is a little less dangerous. Mostly he needs a place to mount his guitars on the wall. Lauren's room needs the most work and it has gotten the most out of hand and it will change the most when we complete the loft beds. But it is forever a work in progress. If it could all be accomplished by the 15th of September I would be so delighted. (Not the painting in Lauren's room that she wants, but the rest.)
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